


FF7 - Shinra conversations

by All Things TURK (WitchWeather)



Category: Before Crisis: Final Fantasy VII, Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Funny, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7411780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchWeather/pseuds/All%20Things%20TURK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Conversations probably had by those in the Shinra corporation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Veld: We are gathered here today because SOMBODY *glares at coffin* couldn't stay alive  
Vincent: …...Fuck u.  
_

Reno: So you and I are married.  
Tseng: We are not married.  
Reno: Relax, it's just pretend.  
Tseng: Well, I don't wanna pretend.  
Reno: Scared you'll like it?  
Tseng: Okay, if we are married I want a divorce.  
Reeve: Are you two always like this?  
Rude, Elena, Rod, Shotgun, Katana, Veld, Rufus, Gun, Twoguns: Yes.

-

Tseng: I assume you realize this type of idiocy will not be tolerated in the Turks.  
Legend: There another type of idiocy that you'd be more comfortable with?  
_

Reeve: They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.  
Reeve: At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.  
Rufus: That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.  
_

Cloud: I believe this is what they call having faith, captain  
Cid: Nah, I just have nothing better to do.  
Vincent[from down the hall]: *Muted, pleased snort*  
_

Reno: Excuse me, what is your homicide policy here?  
Shinra secratery: … …  
Veld: He's hired

-

Gun: I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.  
Elena: Thanks for the support, sis.  
_

Rufus: I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.  
_

Vincent: I guess I kind of hate most things… But I never really seem to hate you.  
Veld: !  
Vincent: So I will spend the rest of your life with you. Is that alright?  
Veld: Do I have a choice.  
Vincent: No not really  
_

Reno: Let me explain something to you, Tseng. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think,Reno. Act."  
Tseng: So you weren't thinking.  
Reno: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.  
_

Reeve: Did you hear a scream?  
Veld: It's Shinra. That's practically our theme song.  
_

Reno: What we need is a diversion. I say Tseng gets naked.  
Rude: No.  
Reno: I could get naked.  
Tseng: No!  
_

Veld: These pants look good on me.  
Cid: Bet they'd look a hell of alot better on Vince's floor.  
Vincent: Are you hitting on Veld… FOR me?  
Cid:….Well ya weren't gonna do it yourself.  
_

Tseng: Reno, we would like to formally offer you a place in the Turks.  
Reno: I'm in.  
Tseng: …Really?  
Reno: FUCK no, you guys are assholes.  
_

Veld: I lost my best friend years ago.  
Vincent: [shouting from distance] STOP TELLING PEOPLE I'M DEAD!  
Veld: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.  
-  
Reno: What's the worst that could happen?

Vincent: Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions and death. But that was just a one-off incident involving a rogue crème brûlée and I'm sure it won't happen again.

Legend: Gaia help us. You two- get the fuck out of the kitchen.

-

Tseng: Thanks, dad.

Tseng: …..Why is everyone staring at me?

Shotgun: You just called Veld "dad."

Tseng: What? No, I didn't. I said, "Thanks, Sir."

Veld: Do you see me as a father figure, Tseng?

Tseng: No. If anything, I see you as a brother figure because you're always bothering me.

Legend: HEY, SHOW YOUR FATHER SOME RESPECT!

-

Vincent: I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.  
Veld: [frowns] Don't say it like that.  
Vinent: I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.  
Veld: Your a real romantic aren't you Valentine

-

Tseng: Sorry, Veld's busy at the moment..  
Scarlet: I see, can I reschedule?  
Tseng: Hmm, how about June 50th?  
Scarlet: What?  
Tseng: Do you think you could come back today at 2.65? He's available then.  
Scarlet: What's going on here?  
Tseng: Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember oneteenth. Does that work for you.

-

Tseng: I'd like you to take a walk with me  
Reeve: You say that like you're not going to knock me out and put a bag over my head if I say no.  
Tseng: Then don't say no.

-

Cloud: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Reno: Yes

Cloud: Let's give him a piece of our mind!

Reno: Let's stab him!

Cloud: ….

Reno: …Yeah, your thing.

-

Veld: You got us a table

Vincent: I had to kill a man.

Veld: Well, it's a really good table.

-

Cloud: I believe this is what they call having faith, captain  
Cid: Nah, I just have nothing better to do.  
Vincent[from down the hall]: *Muted, pleased snort*

-

Veld: Legend, you can't just kill everybody you meet.  
Legend: Why not?  
Veld: Well now that you're putting me on the spot I don't really have an answer for that, just seems like a bad idea though.

-

Tseng: Reno... I would ask what you are doing, but I fear you would actually tell me.

Reno: Probably a good call.

-

Legend: Let me explain something to you, Tseng. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think,Legend. Act."  
Tseng: So you weren't thinking.  
Legend: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

-

The Commander did a very detailed assessment of your last three missions. Firearms, top grades. Interrogation, he gave you the highest marks in the Turks. Under 'people skills' he drew a… I think it's a little poop with knives sticking out of it.

— Legend to Tseng

-

Elfe: That's for if things get really hardcore. Or if you wanna completely destroy Shinra.

Rufus: No-one's destroying Shinra.

Elfe: You just wanna suck the joy out of everything.

-

Veld: Well, I have a date too.  
Vincent: Who is he? What's his name? Or her,I forget you like females  
Veld: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.  
Vincent: Veld! That could be anyone!  
-

Veld: I don't know where you went to partner college, but I'm pretty sure you're NOT SUPPOSED TO FUCKING SHOOT AT YOUR PARTNERS!

Vincent: ...oops  
\- 

Reeve: How's Veld to work with?

Reno: What have you heard? That targets would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed with a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

-

Legend: How did you find me?

Veld: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered "now, who could that be?"

-

Veld: Is that your hand on my ass?

Vincent: It was an accident.

Veld: Valentine, your hand's still on my ass.

Vincent: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.

-

Tseng: Could you be any more annoying?

Reno: That a challenge yo?.

_

Reno: I'm so fucking stupid.

Elena: Hey, it's alright. A lot of people are stupid and still live full, productive lives.

-

Reno: And you know what else? I quit!

Veld: No you don't.

Reno: Well I'm leaving early today!

Veld: No, you're not. You're coming back to base to do paper work.

Reno: Fine, but I'm getting Rude first!

Rude: ….

-

Cid: Who's he?

Tseng: I'm his caretaker.

Rufus: He cares, so I don't have to.

-

Elena: Look at this. The world is saved, I got my boys…my work here is done.

Reno: Uh, we are not her boys.

Rude: Yeah, we are.

Tseng:….Yeah, we are.

-

Reno: IF YOU PUT "VIOLENTLY" IN FRONT OF YOUR ACTION IT BECOMES 4000x FUNNIER!

Zack: VIOLENTLY FARTS

Tseng: VIOLENTLY ORGANIZES FILES

Veld: VIOLENTLY BABYSITS CHILDREN

Legend: VIOLENTLY TWERKS

Vincent: VIOLENTLY BREATHS

Rufus: VIOLENTLY SLEEPS IN MEETING

Sephiroth: VIOLENTLY MURDERS TOWNSPEOPLE

Cloud: VIOLENTLY WORRIES ABOUT PREVIOUS COMMENT

-

Legend: I keep cursing in ice cream flavors, Tseng has told me to stop.

Legend: Update: I haven't stopped.

Shotgun: How do you curse in ice cream flavors?

Legend: What the mint chocolate chip did you say to me punk? I'll kick your rocky road and punch the ever living strawberry cheesecake out of you.

Reno: Holy fudge.

-

Veld: What are you doing after work?

Vincent: More work?

Veld: …

Vincent: !

Vincent: YOU!?

-

Lucrecia: *exists*

Vincent: I will die for you

-

Tseng:How long have you been sleeping with Veld?

Vincent:That's disgusting. And wrong. I don't even get– why would– I've never had sex with anyone, anywhere. It's none of your- you have- the nerve, the audacity, Veld is my friend, technically. And he is terrible, face-wise. And how- how- do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off? Hmm check and mate.

Tseng: Valentine I walked in on you two fucking in your coffin. I have the mental scaring to prove it.

-

Veld: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad. I just want to know.  
Tseng: I did. I broke it…  
Veld: No. No, you didn't. Reno?  
Reno: Don't look at me. Look at Shotty.  
Shotgun: What?! I didn't break it  
Reno: Huh. That's weird. How did you even know it was broken?  
Shotgun: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken!  
Reno: Suspicious.  
Shotgun: No, it's not!  
Shuriken:If it matters… Twogun was the last one to use it.  
TG: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!  
Shuriken: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?  
TG: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that.  
Tseng: Alright let's not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, sir.  
Veld: No. Who broke it?  
Rude: [whispering] Katana's been awfully quiet…  
Katana: Really?!  
Reno: Yeah, really!

Veld: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they'll be at each others throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little too chummy around here

-

[one day when Veld is late]

Gun: We need someone to fill in for Director Dragoon. .

Shotgun: I think Valentine's already filling Dragoon.

Shotgun and Legend: [snicker and high five]

-

Veld: [answers his phone] Hello?

Rufus: It's Rufus.

Veld: What did he do this time?

Rufus: No, it's me, Rufus, it's actually me

Veld: What did you do this time?

-

Tseng: There's a man here who thinks he can help with the investigation.

Nunchuck: Moogleman?!

Tseng: No, he's a scientist.

Reno: Moogleman's a scientist.

Tseng: It's not moogleMan!

-

Zack: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life.

Cloud: It would be nice to get my sense of purpose back.

Shotgun: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Veld: My will to live! I haven't seen this in 15 years!

Legend: I knew I lost that dignity somewhere!

Genesis: Mental stability, my old friend!

Zack: Guys, could you lighten up a little?  
\- 

Yuffie: Don't worry. He likes your butt and fancy hair. I know. I read his diary.

Veld: He thinks it's fancy?

-

Veld: It's my fault for leaving you in charge. Sometimes, I forget how young you are.

Tseng: Sir, I am twenty-one years old!

Veld: Look, you're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice.

Tseng: Well, my straw broke off in the carton, and–that's not the point!

-

Vincent: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is a large quantity of orgasms.

Veld: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they are in front of my children?

Legend: Oh, we aren't your children. Go on.

Tseng & Elfe (in unison): Please, don't.

-

Shotgun: Going to Plan B?

Katana: Technically this would be Plan G.

Legend: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?

Reno: Yeah, but Rufus dies in Plan M.

Elfe: I like Plan M.

-

President Shinra: Hey, Verdot.

Reno: Did he just call you Verdot?

Veld: Yeah he thinks that's my name.

Tseng: Well why don't you correct him?

Veld: Oh it's gone on way too long now. The first time he said it was just in passing so I didn't say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey, Verdot. Want donuts?" And, well, I wanted donuts.

Rude: …

Reno: ….

Tseng: …

Veld: And now it's five years later, the donuts are gone and I'm still Verdot.

-

Veld: Look, let's just agree to say "I'm sorry" on the count of three. One… two… three….

Vincent: …

Veld: ….

Veld: Now, I'm just disappointed in both of us.

-

Legend: Where's Shotgun?

Reno: I'll only tell you if you promise not to get angry.

Legend: ?

Reno: Pinky promise

Legend: Fine I promise

Reno: Twoguns lost her in the reactor .

Legend: HOW DO YOU LOSE A WOMAN?

Rude: You forget to cherish her

-

"You have a butt and I have a pair of hands. Oh, what a coincidence."

—Vincent to Veld probably

_

Vincent: [enters the office, hair messed up and tie askew] I apologize for my tardiness, I was doing… stuff.

Veld: [enters after Vincent, tie looser than usual, grinning smugly] I'm stuff.

-

Legend: Rules are made to be broken.

Tseng: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

TwoGuns: Uh, piñatas.

Reno: Glow sticks.

Martial arts(F): Karate boards.

Veld: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Legend: Rules.

_

Veld: Did you just accuse my (son) Turk of being a secret Wutian operative?

Lazard: Well, um, yeah.

Veld: Because that would be pretty cool, actually.

-

Vincent: My apologies. I'll try not to allow my penis to interfere with our official work duties in the future.

Veld: Valentine I know that is a lie.  


_

Tseng: Don't do anything stupid till I get back.

Reno: How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you.

-

Vincent: The dark deed you requested is done.

Veld: ...I only sent you for coffee.

_

Tseng:That brings up another issue. What are you two doing in the sewer?

Legend: We always go in the sewer

Reno:We hang out in the sewer.

Tseng: Why?

TG: Why? There's stuff down there.

Legend: Don't knock the sewer til you've tried the sewer.

Reno: You find shit down there.

-

Legend: Where's Veld?

Reeve: HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

Legend: Whoa there. Never said he was.

Reeve:...Oh. Awkward.

_

Lazard: And go take a psychology course. Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting daddy issues.  


Rufus: It was, you know, probably our father.

-

Veld: I want you to know that I used to think that there was no man on Gaia good enough for My daughter.

Shears: [smiles]

Veld: And I still think that.

Shears: … uhh.

-

Vincent: The doctor just told me I only have 4 days to live.

Veld: You're sick?!

Vincent: No. He just doesn't like me.

Hojo: [shouting] I'll fuck you up on Tuesday!

-

Tseng: Do you want Anthony from Chocobo Burger?

Elena: Depends, Is he hot and does he smell like french fries?

Tseng: I meant anything. auto correct...

-

Veld [to Tseng and Reno]: I have total faith in you both.

Veld [to camera]: There's like a 30% chance they'll both die.

-

Veld: Tseng, tell him where he can stick his grapes.

Tseng: In the fridge.

Veld: No, Tseng.

-

Nunchuck: What do you think Reno and Rude will do for a distraction?

Twoguns: Who knows. They'll probably make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

*Building blows up and alarm sounds*

Twoguns: Or they could do that

_

Elfe: [throws open the door]  
Elfe: So you two ARE having sex!  
Vincent and Veld: [sitting on the bed reading books]  
Veld: We are? Vincent, why didn't you tell me? I would've put my book dowe  


_

Veld: Think you’re thinking clear on this? Huh? ‘Cuz every time you mess up, it’s because of a woman.  
Legend: Name one time that I…  
Veld: Amber.  
Legend: Amber wasn’t the problem, Amber’s husband was the problem.  
Veld: Amber’s husband wasn’t the one who shot you.  
Legend: It was only in the leg.  
Rude: What about Lily?  
Legend: Lily doesn’t count. I didn’t sleep with Lily.  
Veld: No, 'cuz she put a bomb in your car  
Legend: All right, I admit - that did take a little of the romance out of the relationship.

_

Reno: I’m so angry. I mean, I’m so sad. But I’m still pretty angry. But also sad. Can I be both?  
Rude: It’s what he’d want.  
Reno: Then that’s what I am! (angrily kicks the television and sadly cries)

_

Veld: hello darkness, my old friend  
Vincent: stop texting me

_

Rude: Does Veld ever sleep?

Reno: I think he periodically makes a whirring noise and then shuts down.

_

Tseng:(side-eyeing Reno) (speaking in wutain) So Veld, what am I supposed to do with this Sriracha?  
Veld:(in wutain) It’s spicy, put it on anything. Why are you glaring at Reno?  
Tseng:(in wutian) I’m pretending to talk shit about him. Is it good on eggs?  
Veld:(in Wutain) I’m going to glare at Legend and pretend to talk shit. Yes, it’s great on eggs.  
Tseng and Veld:(scowling at Reno and Legend)  
Reno : The fuck is going on over there.  
Legend: I don’t know but I don’t like it.  
Veld: (in wutain) This is the most fun I’ve had since 1974.  
Tseng: (Smirks)


	2. Chapter 2

_____________  
Legend: how do you politely tell someone you want to hit them with a brick  
Katana: one wishes to acquaint your facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls. Repeatedly.  
Legend: that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.  
___________

Nunchuck: I love knitting needles. I can make a scarf. I can make a hat. I can stab your eyes out. I can make mittens.  
Rufus: what was that middle part?  
Nunchuck: I can make a hat  
______________

Veld: What's this?  
Vincent: My to-do list.  
Veld: It's just a post-it note with my name on it.  
Vincent: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

___________

Elena: ok guys, how do I ask someone out?

Reno: roses are red  
violets are blue  
guess what, my bed  
has room for two

Elena: OH MY GOD NO

Reno: twinkle twinkle little star  
we can do it in a car

Elena: STOP IT

Reno: row, row, row your boat  
gently down the stream  
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily  
I can make you scream

Tseng: I feel like that's verging dangerously close into serial killer territory

_____________

Veld: How are you holding up?  
Rufus: Like a good Catholic girl.  
Veld: That bad, huh?

_________

Katana: have you ever accidentally befriended someone who is very irritating  
TG: I thought you said beheaded  
Katana: that would not be an accident  
_____________

Rod: once a gecko fell into my shirt and I screamed like a girl  
Reno: once a girl fell into my shirt and I screamed like a gecko  
Rude: once a shirt fell into my girl and I geckoed like a scream  
TwoGuns: once a scream fell into my gecko and I girled like a shirt  
Legend: once a shirt screamed into my girl and I fell like a gecko  
Katana: once a girl screamed into my gecko and I fell like a shirt

_______________

Reno: Want me to give your number to a army recruiter  
Legend: I don't know…do you want me to use your number to sell Gay porn on Craigslist  
Reno: I sense the beginnings of a prank war that will end badly for both of us.

_______________

Reno: Anyway, why are we always talking about MY love life? What's going on between you and Elena?  
Tseng: Nothing. She's a respected teammate.  
Reno: Uh-huh.  
Tseng: I don't have time to pursue a relationship, my work is too important to allow any distractions. Elena's a remarkable woman. She's a valued friend. She's… standing right behind me, isn't she?  
Elena: Don't let that stop you. Keep digging.  
_____________

"Don't ever talk to me or my 20 children ever again!"

— Veld probably

___________

Elfe: I'm having problems with this guy.  
Veld: like his dead body won't fit in this bag kind of problems or you like him problems?

________________

Elena: Just be yourself. Say something nice.  
Reno: Which one? I can't do both.

________________

Aerith: I know you want to keep me safe, but the only way to do that is to wrap me in bubble wrap and hide me in a cave.  
Tseng: Believe me, I've thought about it.

__________________

Reno: Hey, pops here comes your boyfriend.  
Veld: He's not my…  
Vincent: [slaps his ass, walks off]  
Turks:  
Veld:  
Veld: Not a word

_________________

Veld: hello darkness, my old friend  
Vincent: stop texting me

_________________

Cid: Ya know that plant that I thought was tea?  
Vincent: You didn't.  
Cid: I did and it wasn't.  
___________________

Veld: We need a plan…how long can you hold your breath underwater?  
Shears: I don’t know.  
Veld: You familiar with the term ‘slam and cram’?  
Shears: No, and I don’t think I want to be.  
Veld: How attached are you to your pinky?  
Shears: Very, very attached, and before you ask another terrifyingly vague question, let me be clear: any plan that involves even one of those scenarios isn’t going to work for me.

________

Vincent: fist me

Cid: I- what the fuck

Vincent:[holds out fist for a fist bump]

Cid: right. that’s what ya- right okay god jesus fucking chr-

______

President Shinra: Boy, don’t make me come up there and be a parent!

Rufus: First time for everything!

_______-

Veld: *returns from an overseas mission*

Shinra Tower: *is on fire*

Veld: WHAT HAPPENED???

TURKs: WE THOUGHT YOU WERE NEVER EVER COMING BACK EVER SO WE PANICKED

__________

Rufus: i did that adult thing where you buy and entire cake and just eat it. I am eating an entire cake

Rufus: There is more cake than i imagined

Rufus: i see now why Tseng didn't let me do this

____________

Veld: Well, we finally caught the thief.

Reno: Wow, you’re really going to kick him out for stealing pudding cups and toilet paper?

Veld: No, he was caught stealing information and giving it to terrorists.

Reno:

Veld:…Have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper?

Reno: What? Fuck no yo. I-I hate pudding and I don’t- I don’t use…toilet paper.

Veld:

Reno: I have one of those Banora thingies that shoots water up your butt.

Veld: Bidet?

Reno: Bidet to you too, sir.

____________

President Shinra: I suppose you think Veld more nurturing than I am.

Rufus: Father, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

_______

Hojo: I was a soldier, I killed people!

Veld: No. You were a doctor.

Hojo: I had bad days!

___________

Tseng: Take Reno with you. Two Guns and I will find another way out.

Veld: I’m sure you will, son.

Tseng: [gasps] You called me ‘son.“ No take-backs.

_________

Nunchuck:You know how everybody has a voice inside them that tells them how they are, mine goes like this: “Hey, you’re awesome no matter what anybody says, you’re so beautiful and bold and STRONG AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!”

TG: The voice inside my head just says “milk and noodles are not a meal.”

__________

Veld looking for his TURKs  
Veld: This.. Calls for drastic measures.  
Veld: VELD DRAGOON SUCKS!  
Rude: wHAT-  
Reno: THE FUCK-  
Cissini: DID YOU-  
Shotgun: JUST SAY  
Tseng:*loud screaming into the void*  
Vincent: And he’s rather good at it actually.  
Veld: Wait.... what? 

\-------------

 

Tseng: Everyone quiet. *picks up phone* Veld sir.  
Nunchuck: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!  
Cissnei: come back to bed  
Legend: *various sex noises*  
Elena: tell him i said hi  
Rude: Pass the weed  
Reno: *blasting out curse words*  
Shotgun: PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

_____________

Katana: “How much does it cost to replace an exploded microwave?”

Katana: “Just curious”

Katana: “Not that it’s anything important”

Katana: “I was just wondering that’s all”

________

“I tried making a book club once but it turned into a gang.”

-Veld

______________

Cid: What do ya want dickbag?

Vincent: Tell me, do you just pair random obscenities with equally random nouns? Cocklamp? Asscarriage? Shitrooster? Is that how this works?

Cid: Note to self, call someone "shitrooster."

___________

Veld: Don’t worry, Tseng, I’m fine.

Tseng:You got shot, Sir, you’re not fine.

Veld: I’ve been shot before.

Tseng: You cannot build up an immunity to bullet wounds!

__________

Reno: Curiosity killed the cat, Ya know!  
Rude: Never speak of cats dying around me ever again. All cats are safe. I will protect them.

_________

Vincent: If you were my husband I’d poison your coffee.

Veld: And if you were my husband I’d drink it

______

Rufus: Well, Tseng, your objections have been duly noted and summarily overruled.

Tseng: Yes, sir.

Rufus: Why is it when you say “yes, sir” it sounds much like “fuck you”?

Tseng: Practice, sir.

___________

Veld: You all thought I was dead didn’t you?

Turks: [overlapping] No…

Reno: I did

______

Nunchuck: My mom says if something’s truly important, you won’t forget it

Rufus: My father forgot me in a parking lot once

_______

Tseng: So help me, if you ever tell people we’re the Veld fanclub ever again, I will make sure you wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under someone else’s name.

Elena: That’s actually kind of scary.

Reno: Eh, wouldn’t be the first time.

________

President Shinra: Punch me in the face.

Veld: Punch you?

President Shinra: Yes, punch me. In the face. Didn’t you hear?

Veld: I always hear “Punch me in the face” when you’re speaking, but it’s usually subtext.


End file.
